Thursday, March 1, 2012

Rest in Pants

Both of my legs lost a very good friend today: my favorite red pants.

Two days ago, I was leaving the house for a long run, and my Utah Roommate told me I looked like a pirate. That is a creative way for a kind person to tell you that your pants are shredded at the bottom. You need new pants. There was nothing else in my appearance that would lend itself to piracy, so I read between the lines.

For months now, my family has been trying to take these pants away from me, but there is no closer bond than that between a girl and a pair of pants that are weighted with nostalgia. They’re my media pants. I wear them every time I am going to be in the newspaper. They are a googleable aspect of my life.

Sledding in the pants.

There have been other indications that it was time for them to go. My Opera Roommate kindly calls my other sweatpants my “dressy sweatpants.” That is an indictment of these pants by juxtaposition.

Basketball in the pants.

Often sweatpants swell out in the breezes so that you look like you have elephantitis of the legs. However, if you cut small slits into the bottom, they fall more naturally. (Tip for success.) These were the first pants I ever de-elephanted, and it ended up precipitating in their premature demise. The slits extended and overtook my media pants, from the ground up.

Pants with all of my friends.

I know there are more important things going on in the world, but I can’t think of any. I am becoming near-sighted—in a state of un-bepanted myopia. Is that a real psychological malady? Are there any doctors out there? I don't know. I'm fine or in denial.

RIP. Rest in [Pants]. You’re as non-living as you’ve ever been, but I’ve anthropomorphized you so that you seem dead to me.

In other news, I’ve finally gone ahead and updated my race schedule and 2012 sponsorships. I am thrilled to be back on Team Inov-8 and to have DryMax’s support for another year. I am additionally enthused to be a part of UltrAspire’s team of Elite Immortals for 2012. In actuality, I’m about as immortal as my aforementioned pants, but even if you have metaphysical qualms about our team name, you should check this company out because they are thoughtfully designing products for ultrarunners that are innovative and wonderful. Their hydration packs are particularly commendable.

-bubble gum ruined pants of 3rd grade
-kickball slidetackle knee-hole windpants of ‘96
-pink and green flowered leggings that went out of style in 2nd grade
-hot pink bike shorts removed from my closet as punishment when I tried to wear them to school approximately 11 times in kindergarten
-the pants I got with tulips on the back pockets that I grew out of one month after I got them for Christmas in a 5th grade growth spurt

May all of you also Rest in [Pants].

Here is my official pants modeling photo. I am ready for my closeup.